The honour of sticking to a decision

I just have too many thoughts in my head. I don't know how to segregate it. It’s like one lump of thing that I am not sure what head or tail of it. 

Not helping that my emotion is getting too extreme. Too happy, too sad, too angry, too agitated that now I fancy that yeah, I am developing the bi-polar syndrome. One time I was labeling certain someone that she is bi-polar, because she is very happy at one moment and suddenly so angry. She was somebody that I used to work with, a difficult individual to manage. She spoke her mind and she knew what she wanted and she went for it. Unfortunately, her demands could be pretty ridiculous. And when it gets too much, my passive aggressive thoughts will launch an internal attack of insults that yes, the crazy woman is indeed bi-polar. She in my ‘normal’ eyes was a ‘little’ mad. While I am really a nutcase in my head, I don’t equate reality to my thoughts so much that I am to me was ultimately more superior. 

See, I can never get out of such things without retribution. I believe Allah always has His ways with me. My karma always comes back quickly. See where I am now, the next candidate for treatment at Hospital Bahagia. 

My thoughts so addled, one day I forgot to screw the fuel cap back in place and drove off. Only realizing the mistake when I took a turn and heard the clunking noise of something falling off. This was at 1.00 in the morning, bless the traffic was hardly there and deathberry was with me or I would be sitting by the roadside having a nervous breakdown of the thought of having an job appointment early the following morning while having a capless fuel tank. Moments like that would make me so introspective of my stupidity. So little is needed to cause a catastrophe. 

There are also lapses of thoughts. Little void of ‘whatever happened that time?’ Another night my phone vanished in the car because I was busy thinking that perhaps I have been laughed at by a group of adults with juvenile brains or perhaps it was me being paranoid which is even more pathetic because it was hardly a big deal to begin with but I thought about it too hard that I couldn’t remember where I stashed the phone. 

I am a walking disaster waiting to happen. 

My ex-boss who I learned is very concern for my decision suggested “Why don’t you take an unpaid leave for a couple of months?” We talked. One and half hour worth of probing questions, suggestions and disguised cajoling, I almost ate his words. In the end, I asked him for time as I need to sleep on it first. My resolve wavered. 

But soon enough a wake up call. 

Friday I was supposed to be on leave but suddenly an important person died in India and there was a 100% contingency required on our site. Reminding me, how awesomely brittle your plan can be while working here. Everything about you and your family takes the backseat to the greater plan of the business that feeds your family. F*ck man, I will do my obligations yeah, I’ll get things done but damn you for controlling me to submit to the fact that I am so tied up to your importance. 

Now, while the exhaustion was hardly assuaged, another wave of mess is coming soon. Too soon. Like I said to deathberry, instead of having a confident swagger of a battle hardened warrior returning to the front line, I am like an ex-convict thrown back to jail for another bout of rape and unwilling sodomy. “No more!”

Call me a yellow bellied pussy. I admit yes, I am a coward with my tail between my legs. I salute those who managed to go through this for another campaign. For me regardless of the extra benefits, works well under pressure does not mean works well under continuous pressure. Why would I go through a longer journey when the destination will still be the same? 

While money is a concern in my endless list of worries, it’s also about my presence in the life of people that matters to me. My mom needs to go for a scan on 15th. A serious concern on her kidneys again. Last time the result came out good. I hope the same this time but should we are not blessed for another favourable result I need to be there for her. Let it be an excuse to the lot of you, but that is a reason enough for me. 

Resigned to fate

I kept thinking about it. But finally, I've done it. The craziest stunt I have ever pulled in my entire life. 

I tendered my resignation last Friday. 

I didn't update about it earlier because my boss asked me to think about it again during the weekend. 

2 years versus 2 days, I let myself think about it between looking at Jobstreet, emailing friends, chatting, twittering, watching Japanese Dorama and getting scolding from my mother for spending the whole day in the room like a nutcase that I am. 

So come Monday, I reported in and went through my day as always. Work that I have grown to despise so much inside. Silently calculating 2 months from 21st of August 2009. Which will be  the longest stretch of 2 months of my life. 

Then at 9.00pm, my boss finally messaged me. "So, you are really going to leave me, aren't you?"

Nani kore? I am watching too many Japanese serials now I am getting weird message from my boss too. 

"Leaving XXXX, we are still friends as long as you want to stay as my friend," I responded. I always leave the ball on the other side of the court for stuff like friendship. 

"I am crying inside that you are leaving."

Sonna... what am I suppose to say? "Would you rather keep a friend who is in pain by your side?" 

My boss has always been my boss from the beginning. When I joined in, I reported to him. He was there through the six months of hell. I cried to him in my frustration during the difficult  period of the migration. But once BAU, he had to leave for a different team within the same department. I myself changed through three different bosses but somehow, I settled back to him about a year after I was promoted, by that time he was promoted as well. For the span of 4 years plus, it is almost like I have always been reporting to him. From his view, as we are both Scorpios, we have so many things in common. My actions he would always understand because he would do the same thing, except this one. Me resigning, it was a huge body slam to him but I never meant to give him such grief, my anger and pain never came from him. I guess, he is there as a collateral damage. 

"You have to tell me how to do this, I don't know which form to use." He needed to process my resignation but since he was promoted 2 years ago, he hasn't had an external attrition that warrant him to process it, while I have gone through too many thanks to my thankless process. 

"Let's see. You need to complete the notification of resignation form, my leave card, the resignation letter, you need to sign, name and date it on the date you accepted it, and also terminate me on the Peoplesoft, 2 months from the date of the letter." I deftly told him the steps. It did not escape me how morbid it is as I walk-through the process on how to terminate myself. I wonder how many people go through this bizarre moment in their life when they resign.

"Want me to process it?" I offered. 

"No, I'll do it. So that the thought of you leaving will finally settle down in my head." he refused. "How do I terminate on Peoplesoft?" 

I explained "From 21st of August, plus 2 months. My last physical date will be 20th October, so termination date should be 21st October."

"What happen if you do it wrong?" 

"They will tell you the correct way then you have to do it again." 

"Do I need to do this tonight?" Funny that a reverse role happened on my termination on the system. 

"Yes, or 3 working days from the date you received the letter. Either way." 

":("

Thus, the conversation between me and my boss, spanning the messaging system then later on in person before reverting back on the messaging system.

Either he is playing around so I feel guilty and decided to retract my resignation, or he is genuinely sad...

Deep inside, I am swaying but the thought of doing this for another 2 months strengthened my resolve again.  

I also had a talk with my AVP.

His advice "Don't let your emotion dictate your decision."

So true, but I have gone completely bonkers here. He couldn't even understand the extent of it...

Spectacular.... spectacles

My left eye is blurring pretty bad and its disorienting when driving at night. Lights will break up into funny shapes until I close the left eye and everything focuses again.  Although the right eye is still normal, I don't walk around with one eye closed. With a blurry left eye vision, it totally blurs up everything and its a bitch driving at night. 

My left eye has always been slightly off. My vision is at 50-20 or something. It doesn't require a spectacle but it always bothers me because I know the difference of a sharp line when everything is in focus. I borrowed my sister's specs once, and see the world in a fresh, sharpened way. 

I have always been proud at how good my eyesights were. I can read roadsigns like crazy distance away, at least recognising the pattern of the word to guess correctly what it is. But I don't think I can do as well. While I love the idea of wearing spectacles because in my personal opionion they are dead sexy and makes you look intelligent, I rather have my own vision without any additional help.  But you can't exactly fix this problem can you and lasic surgery is not cheap...

I don't know. I'm thinking of visiting that cheapo specs booth in Grand Union to check my eyes. Or I think I wait until salary out because if I have to get one, I need to get it from Focus Point or England Optical if I want my company to cover it.  

Hazy day

Such a hazy day today.  If only the air doesn't feel as humid, I would fancy myself in Genting or something.  The visibility is pretty bad too,  I tried to capture it on my N80 but... I don't know, it looked like some random scene photos. 

The building behind the middle lampost should look clearer on normal days. 

Uuuh... random picture of alamanda shrubs. Yeah, my parking spot is pretty scenic despite being so damn annoying and far. I got another parking ticket today for displaying outdated ticket! YIPPIE!!!

Dinner today, we had a pot luck which I had a good time eating. There were chicken, some mysterious other stuff, and pasta which was delicious. But, no picture since its a no no to take photo @ my workplace. 

But... I did went for a late night supper @ 2.00am of...

Nasi Lemak!!! With Pepsi Max... 

Where else if not at KFC!

Its a pretty decent Nasi Lemak if you ask me. I can't remember what it cost (I also bought 4 large Cheezy Wedges to take home) The rice isn't too lemak, the cucumber is fresh and cut pretty thick, the boiled egg is like a boiled egg, the friend chicken is a nice addition. Just the sambal. The make very thick sambal. The ikan bilis is delicious but this batch I guess had a tad too much salt and I am the salty kind. 

I finished all of it of course, because my momma taught me never to waste food! But overall, it is a good nasi lemak and the portion is decent too. Of course, it wouldn't compare to your corner stall nasi lemak with sambal kerang and sambal sotong options but for something different in the early morning at KFC, you can try this. 

Because home has some stove issue at the moment and I am lazy to double back to the market (which opens 24 hours) I went to 7 Eleven to buy some food stuff for tomorrow's breakfast. 

2 loaves of bread
2 bottles of milk (1 choco, 1 fresh)
2 packets of peanuts
1 packet cream cracker biscuit
A small margerine tub
A small peanut butter tub

... cost me RM40.00!!!  I know this is sign of age when I did a mental calculation and deduced that if indeed I actually doubled back to the market, I would only spend RM15.00 on the same thing, not to be extreme. 

I know, I know. Its 7 Eleven, what do you expect. But its funny how wide the counter girl eyes were when I parked in front of the shop. I guess I was too fast and too furious at the break paddle =P

On the last note, I try not to believe in old wives tale. But earlier today my left hand was suddenly itchy for no reason at all. I rubbed it once and try not to think about it much. But when I went to my car, I got a parking ticket. Can't help it if the damn machine being so anal on what kind of coins is accepted. This is my second ticket, totalling RM120 in all. Gila kau! Duit terbang just like that! So sad :(

New year 2009

Ingat nak apply leave esok tapi nampaknya gagal kerna ada keparat tak reti nak kesian kat aku. Macam2 alasan dia kasi. Tensiun betol. Aku dah cakap kat boss aku, dia ok dah bagi aku cuti tapi pasal mangkok tu tak dapat nak datang esok, aku kena kerja. Aku ingat nak pegi awal esok, pukul 12, balik pukul 4. Mintak tak banyak gangguan sangat so dapat balik on time. Dapat half day je nampaknya.