The honour of sticking to a decision

I just have too many thoughts in my head. I don't know how to segregate it. It’s like one lump of thing that I am not sure what head or tail of it. 

Not helping that my emotion is getting too extreme. Too happy, too sad, too angry, too agitated that now I fancy that yeah, I am developing the bi-polar syndrome. One time I was labeling certain someone that she is bi-polar, because she is very happy at one moment and suddenly so angry. She was somebody that I used to work with, a difficult individual to manage. She spoke her mind and she knew what she wanted and she went for it. Unfortunately, her demands could be pretty ridiculous. And when it gets too much, my passive aggressive thoughts will launch an internal attack of insults that yes, the crazy woman is indeed bi-polar. She in my ‘normal’ eyes was a ‘little’ mad. While I am really a nutcase in my head, I don’t equate reality to my thoughts so much that I am to me was ultimately more superior. 

See, I can never get out of such things without retribution. I believe Allah always has His ways with me. My karma always comes back quickly. See where I am now, the next candidate for treatment at Hospital Bahagia. 

My thoughts so addled, one day I forgot to screw the fuel cap back in place and drove off. Only realizing the mistake when I took a turn and heard the clunking noise of something falling off. This was at 1.00 in the morning, bless the traffic was hardly there and deathberry was with me or I would be sitting by the roadside having a nervous breakdown of the thought of having an job appointment early the following morning while having a capless fuel tank. Moments like that would make me so introspective of my stupidity. So little is needed to cause a catastrophe. 

There are also lapses of thoughts. Little void of ‘whatever happened that time?’ Another night my phone vanished in the car because I was busy thinking that perhaps I have been laughed at by a group of adults with juvenile brains or perhaps it was me being paranoid which is even more pathetic because it was hardly a big deal to begin with but I thought about it too hard that I couldn’t remember where I stashed the phone. 

I am a walking disaster waiting to happen. 

My ex-boss who I learned is very concern for my decision suggested “Why don’t you take an unpaid leave for a couple of months?” We talked. One and half hour worth of probing questions, suggestions and disguised cajoling, I almost ate his words. In the end, I asked him for time as I need to sleep on it first. My resolve wavered. 

But soon enough a wake up call. 

Friday I was supposed to be on leave but suddenly an important person died in India and there was a 100% contingency required on our site. Reminding me, how awesomely brittle your plan can be while working here. Everything about you and your family takes the backseat to the greater plan of the business that feeds your family. F*ck man, I will do my obligations yeah, I’ll get things done but damn you for controlling me to submit to the fact that I am so tied up to your importance. 

Now, while the exhaustion was hardly assuaged, another wave of mess is coming soon. Too soon. Like I said to deathberry, instead of having a confident swagger of a battle hardened warrior returning to the front line, I am like an ex-convict thrown back to jail for another bout of rape and unwilling sodomy. “No more!”

Call me a yellow bellied pussy. I admit yes, I am a coward with my tail between my legs. I salute those who managed to go through this for another campaign. For me regardless of the extra benefits, works well under pressure does not mean works well under continuous pressure. Why would I go through a longer journey when the destination will still be the same? 

While money is a concern in my endless list of worries, it’s also about my presence in the life of people that matters to me. My mom needs to go for a scan on 15th. A serious concern on her kidneys again. Last time the result came out good. I hope the same this time but should we are not blessed for another favourable result I need to be there for her. Let it be an excuse to the lot of you, but that is a reason enough for me.