Look After You - The Fray

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh

Note :  Aku hidup lagi. Just a little sad of my own stupid game.

Fiction Fix Part 2 - Sally

She looked down on the crumpled form on the floor and smiled. The metallic smell of blood permeates the air. She inhaled deeply, her spirit danced with glee. 

She had put up with the nonsense too long, taking them all in. The petulant demands, false accusations and ridiculous terms. Not wanting to create a scene, she will accept all of them in. 

It will always be "Yes Sally, I will do them," a smile plastered on her face, the smile that masked the maggots of hate that was consuming her from within. 

"THOSE 10 ITEMS ARE YOURS!" Sally voice was hard as if trying to exert herself to be at the topmost notch of the food chain. The rest of the world seems to be nothing but dust at the bottom of her feet. 

"Of course, Sally, I will do them," the smile returned but there was a tremble in her voice. 

Sally did not see what was coming. She turned to leave but suddenly an incredible force shoved her up against the concrete wall. 

"What is going on?" Sally’s mind went reeling and she screamed in fear and pain as a clump of her hair was pulled back roughly. 

"Stop it!" she screamed, her arms flailed in her futile effort to push her attacker away 

"Does it hurt Sally? Does your head hurt?" the cold leveled voice send chill down her spine. The tune was different but she could still recognised the voice. 

“What are you doing?" she screamed, confused and afraid. 

"Something that I should have done a long time ago," that level voice cold like the arctic wind. Sally hated how they sounded so cheerful before, how it grated her nerves in cheerfulness but now she felt fear. She could only flail helplessly against the tormenting grasp. 

With her neck and hair being tightly gripped, Sally was pushed forward to the other side of the room. Her heart skipped a beat as she came closer and closer towards the glass wall. Her struggle became stronger but it was all for nothing. 

With a mighty push, she was slammed against the wall. For a second, it felt like it would be alright but suddenly the glass gave way with a dreadful crack. 

She had meant only to rattle her nerve, she watched with fascination as the glass gave way under Sally's weight. 

The sound of glass falling to the floor filled the room; she stood wide eyed at the scene that is playing before her eyes as if in slow motion. 

Sally slumped to the floor, on the other side of the glass wall that was there. Her hair in disarray all over her face, that she could not see if her eyes were still opened or closed. But what she could see was thick; red liquid had begun to flow from beneath the prone body. 

She knew she will never get away with this but how odd that she felt so free. She bends down beside the body and softly touched the cheek that was turning cold quickly. 

“Did it hurt Sally?" she asked.

Husk

Ramai orang cuba reach aku minggu ni :P Aku off phone aku pasal frankly, I don't give a damn... I do try to give what I can while I can but if possible, I wish to wash my hands off completely. Enough lar. You took everything off of me already. I am now only a husk. 

I'm losing weight again!!!

The irony is, I have to leave my job to be able to do it this time.

By Raya, I was back to square one but weigh in today, I have positively lost 5 kilos! WOOOT! The secret? Skipping dinner and cutting down on my portions. 

My objective, I have to fit into the two pink kurungs in time for Raya Haji. 

Why? 

Due to stress, the two so called Raya kurungs were tight on me and we were supposed to lose weight during Ramadhan. Not happening...

However, my friend's wedding is going to happen on the upcoming Raya Haji and dare I say it? She wants me to be the bridesmaid, isn't that awesome? I am honoured and nerve-wrecked.

Her theme will be pink which is the colour of the two unfortunate Kurungs. And since there is NO WAY I can afford a new dress, I am taking this as a starting point of my major project. 

I was trying last month but I was so stressed out. Binge eating all around and no time to counter attack the food with exercise. While now, with low stress I could just skip dinner without much drama with other distractions.. heeeee. And while there hasn't been an opportunity to go for a jog since I was jobless, thanks to the weather..... I've been doing housework... mopping the floor is hard work when you don't do it regularly so I am actively mopping the floor. Interesting huh?! 

I think I will go for a jog today. Even if the thunder rumbling in the distance. I have less than a month to reach a goal of fitting into the kurungs. I need an inch off everywhere to be deemed successful Oo Will I be able to make it?!

Tune in to the next post to see if I will succumb to the cravings of Cadbury Dark Chocolate XP~

Analogue Monologue

What the hell am I doing? 

Am I an evil woman leading on a child or a naivete being lead on by an experienced younger man? 

Do you know the bliss of being irresponsible for your actions? It's a guilty pleasure I have to say but of course, a pleasure nonetheless. 

I remember of 'eating' this kind of people at my old workplace... but then kids here and kids abroad are different species? Or so I want to believe. 

In my world of make believe, which is getting more and more vivid as the week go by, I am lulled in believing emotions that is a complete fiction in my head. The danger is what if I draw the line too late and ended up plummeting deep into emotional mess that is waiting to happen?

Surely well deserving you moron, you were the one asking for trouble. 

Alas, life with no drama is simply too dry to bear. I am indeed the spinner of this reverie, wishing life with excitements be it only for a trickle.

The game played with proclamation of love, worthlessly scattered still bring warmth and happiness because in this fable, it is real. 

DRAAAAAAINAGE!!!

Fiction Fix Part 1

Sesuatu yang aku tak pernah berangan berlaku. Tidak disangka yang keperluan untuk mendapatkan software baru untuk komputerku menemukan aku dengan budak hingusan itu.

Dia tak mungkin lebih tua dari 25 tahun. Kemungkinan besar seorang lepasan ijazah muda ataupun seorang graduan bekerja sambilan. Mungkin juga seorang lepasan SPM yang berwajah matang. 

Tinggi. Sungguh tinggi. Lebih tinggi dariku. Aku sendiri berketinggian 170 cm ataupun 5’ 7” dan dia mungkin satu kaki lebih tinggi. Lean, thanks to his youth. The next thing I noticed, such clear skin. Aku mencemburui dia dan mula rasa tua. The fine lines under my eyes suddenly felts like ravines and the spots on my cheeks like moon surface. Oh goodness! I am an old woman indeed at 29!

Dia terus bertanya dengan ramah, “Cari apa, cik?.” Walaupun tidak tersenyum, wajahnya ikhlas ingin membantu. 

A few nanoseconds went by of me appreciating his height and good skin. Jadi apa yang ditanyanya tidak dijawab cepat. Dengan senyum kambing, aku menunding ke arah barisan software di atas rak di depanku. 

“Nak cari OS ke?” tanyanya lagi. 

Jargons, he knows what he is doing. He refers to the operating system, simply known as OS, the software that makes your computer run. However, I guess he shouldn’t be using it with a customer, even when I do understand what he meant. 

“Ada Windows™ XP©, pilihan terbaik buat masa sekarang,” dia pantas mengesyorkan.

“Windows™ Vista© ada?” aku bertanya, pasti dia tersilap, kerana itu adalah versi terkini di pasaran.

“Ada, tapi berat sangat. Kalau ada RAM 4 gigs baru sedap pakai.” jawabnya selamba. 

Aku angguk, punah harapan nak berwindow Vista©. Indeed, it is too heavy for my miniscule 2 gigs RAM. 

“Boleh rekemen yang mana paling bagus?” aku serahkan kepada dia. Sudah lama tak berkomputer, sakit kepala nak memilih dengan terlalu banyak pilihan di depan mata. 

Dia menarik turun satu kotak dari rak itu, “Windows XP latest release. Ini yang paling baik. Lagipun ada bundle softwares sekali.” 

Dia menyerahkannya kepada ku. I guess he has decided for the both of us what I need to get for my new PC. 

“Di mana image editting software?” I asked for the next item I need. 

“Ada, sini,” he beckoned me to the other side of the aisle. I saw all the softwares I always been waiting to use since my last computer broke down three years ago. Memories of good old times when I actually have time to do image editting and building websites. 

Di situ dia mencapai kotak Adobe™ Photoshop©. Memang software yang aku cari.

“Belajar lagi ke?” tiba-tiba dia bertanya. 

Terkejut beruk sekejap. Can I pass as a student still? Hati menyanyi riang. The fine lines vanished from under my eyes and the spots gone. 

“Oh, tak. Dah lama habis belajar. Dan dah lama tak pakai software ni, tapi sekarang nak mula balik since dah dapat PC baru,” I blabbed. Oh Tuhan, dia sekadar initiate small talk but I have to unravel about my life with a new PC. 

“Oh, ingat study lagi.” he smiled. He has a masculine face. 

No, he is not an SPM student I decided. 

Adobe™ Dreamweaver©? Tiba tiba mata aku ternampak package di belakang kepalanya. Bukan Macromediakah pengeluarnya? “I thought its Macromedia™ Dreamweaver©, kenapa Adobe™ Dreamweaver©?

He looked puzzled. He turned and took down the package. “Well, this is the latest version. CS4©, sama juga dengan Adobe™ Photoshop© tu, latest version jugak.” He handed the box to me. 

I decided not to broach the subject anymore. What do you expect. I am so out of this computer business for five years now. “Saya nak beli Windows™ XP© ni dengan Adobe™ Photoshop© saja ye.” 

With that I reached up beside him, trying to put the unwanted software box back at its place. Suddenly me, the tallest girl I have been since forever felt so, so short. 

“Boleh ke? Biar saya...” he quickly took it and reached up over me. Soon enough the box sat back where it belonged a minute ago. I shrank beneath him like a scared mouse. Awkward moment passes for a few seconds.

“Sorry,” he took a step back and so did I.

“Tak, salah saya,” aku mengaku dengan segan. Kalau aku tak sibuk nak letak kotak tu balik ke atas rak dia tak perlu nak membantu sebegitu sekali. Muka ku panas dek malu. “Ini jelah dulu. Tak mampu nak beli Dreamweaver© sekali. Lain kalilah.” 

Dia angguk dan senyum, gesturing me to follow, “Kaunter di depan.”

Aku ikut di belakangnya dan mencuri pandang susuk badannya. Nyata dia memang dibina dengan sempurna.

“Apa yang aku buat ni?” Aku menepuk dahi sendiri memikirkan kegilaanku.

“Ye, ada masalah ke?” dia menoleh dan menyapa. 

Did I say that out loud? “Tak, tak!” Bagus, sekarang aku mungkin sudah dicap sebagai makcik gila. 

Kebetulan di pagi Khamis itu tidak ada pelanggan lain. Di kaunter bayaran, dia terus mengira barang belianku dan memasukkannya ke dalam beg plastik. 

“Bila nak beli Dreamweaver© tu nanti, datanglah ke sini. By the way, Macromedia™ dah kena acquired by Adobe™, so tu pasal sekarang it’s Adobe™ Dreamweaver©.” 

Aku tak sedar mulutku dah ternganga. Aku ingat dia tak tau apa yang aku ngomelkan tadi.

“Belajar lagi ke?” aku pulak bertanya kepada dia sebaik aku sedar mulut aku rasa sedikit kering

“Not supposed to tapi scholarship tak cukup,” jawabnya ringkas. 

Aku gelak kecil. Telahan aku tepat. 

“Oh ye, kedai ni bagi newsletter on what’s new and any update for softwares, hardwares and other gadget. Bila ada sale nanti pun kami akan notify through the newletter. 

Memikirkan azam ku untuk mengikuti kembali perkembangan teknologi komputer kini, aku setuju. 

Dia menyuakanku satu borang untuk diisi. Perlu letak nama dan alamat email dengan nombor telefon, selain nombor kad pengenalan dan alamat. 

Seperti merasakan aku tak selesa mengisi borang dan meninggalkan maklumatku disitu dia cepat menambah. “It’s perfectly confidential and we won’t sell your details. Ada clause at the bottom of the form.” 

Setelah selesai, kuhulurkan borang itu kepadanya. 

“Cik Aida Sofya Jusoh. Sedap nama tu,” pujinya.

Aku terpana sekejap. Pandai sangat berniaga, small talk engaging customer. Patut dia ada perniagaan sendiri. “Itu sempena nama arwah makcik dan masjid di Turki.”

“Oh, Hagia Sophia?” tanyanya.

Aku terkedu lagi. “Ye, pandailah awak ni. Mesti rajin tengok National Geographic kan? Tak pun rajin baca encyclopedia.” 

Tiba tiba dia terdiam dan aku perasan mukanya sedikit merah. Dia cepat cepat menyelesaikan pembelianku and menghulurkan beg plastik sudan berisi kepada ku, “Nanti notification akan dihantar di email Cik Aida ye.” 

Meremang bulu roma ditengkuk mendengar namaku disebut walhal aku tak tahu apa namanya, “Awak dah tahu nama saya, nama awak?”

Like a child caught with his hands in the cookie jar, dia mengeluarkan tag namanya dari poket “Lupa nak pakai.” Dia menyuakan tag itu kepadaku sebelum menyematnya di baju. “Aiman, Aiman Firdaus.” 

Comelnya, aku bisik di hati. 

“Datanglah lagi nanti,” dia tersenyum kembali

Aku sekadar angguk dan senyum sambil meninggalkan kedai komputer itu. Anak dara tua macam aku ini tiba-tiba sangat tertarik kepada budak hingusan yang bernama Aiman Firdaus itu. 

Note : Draft number 2. 

Mud

... is the latest scheme colour for the blog. 

9

Happy 09/09/09!

This marks the last set of repeating single digit dates until 1st January 2101. 

Next year, we can begin celebrating the double digits up until 2012 with 10/10/10, 11/11/11 & 12/12/12.

Wonder where you will be on those dates?

The honour of sticking to a decision

I just have too many thoughts in my head. I don't know how to segregate it. It’s like one lump of thing that I am not sure what head or tail of it. 

Not helping that my emotion is getting too extreme. Too happy, too sad, too angry, too agitated that now I fancy that yeah, I am developing the bi-polar syndrome. One time I was labeling certain someone that she is bi-polar, because she is very happy at one moment and suddenly so angry. She was somebody that I used to work with, a difficult individual to manage. She spoke her mind and she knew what she wanted and she went for it. Unfortunately, her demands could be pretty ridiculous. And when it gets too much, my passive aggressive thoughts will launch an internal attack of insults that yes, the crazy woman is indeed bi-polar. She in my ‘normal’ eyes was a ‘little’ mad. While I am really a nutcase in my head, I don’t equate reality to my thoughts so much that I am to me was ultimately more superior. 

See, I can never get out of such things without retribution. I believe Allah always has His ways with me. My karma always comes back quickly. See where I am now, the next candidate for treatment at Hospital Bahagia. 

My thoughts so addled, one day I forgot to screw the fuel cap back in place and drove off. Only realizing the mistake when I took a turn and heard the clunking noise of something falling off. This was at 1.00 in the morning, bless the traffic was hardly there and deathberry was with me or I would be sitting by the roadside having a nervous breakdown of the thought of having an job appointment early the following morning while having a capless fuel tank. Moments like that would make me so introspective of my stupidity. So little is needed to cause a catastrophe. 

There are also lapses of thoughts. Little void of ‘whatever happened that time?’ Another night my phone vanished in the car because I was busy thinking that perhaps I have been laughed at by a group of adults with juvenile brains or perhaps it was me being paranoid which is even more pathetic because it was hardly a big deal to begin with but I thought about it too hard that I couldn’t remember where I stashed the phone. 

I am a walking disaster waiting to happen. 

My ex-boss who I learned is very concern for my decision suggested “Why don’t you take an unpaid leave for a couple of months?” We talked. One and half hour worth of probing questions, suggestions and disguised cajoling, I almost ate his words. In the end, I asked him for time as I need to sleep on it first. My resolve wavered. 

But soon enough a wake up call. 

Friday I was supposed to be on leave but suddenly an important person died in India and there was a 100% contingency required on our site. Reminding me, how awesomely brittle your plan can be while working here. Everything about you and your family takes the backseat to the greater plan of the business that feeds your family. F*ck man, I will do my obligations yeah, I’ll get things done but damn you for controlling me to submit to the fact that I am so tied up to your importance. 

Now, while the exhaustion was hardly assuaged, another wave of mess is coming soon. Too soon. Like I said to deathberry, instead of having a confident swagger of a battle hardened warrior returning to the front line, I am like an ex-convict thrown back to jail for another bout of rape and unwilling sodomy. “No more!”

Call me a yellow bellied pussy. I admit yes, I am a coward with my tail between my legs. I salute those who managed to go through this for another campaign. For me regardless of the extra benefits, works well under pressure does not mean works well under continuous pressure. Why would I go through a longer journey when the destination will still be the same? 

While money is a concern in my endless list of worries, it’s also about my presence in the life of people that matters to me. My mom needs to go for a scan on 15th. A serious concern on her kidneys again. Last time the result came out good. I hope the same this time but should we are not blessed for another favourable result I need to be there for her. Let it be an excuse to the lot of you, but that is a reason enough for me.