The honour of sticking to a decision

I just have too many thoughts in my head. I don't know how to segregate it. It’s like one lump of thing that I am not sure what head or tail of it. 

Not helping that my emotion is getting too extreme. Too happy, too sad, too angry, too agitated that now I fancy that yeah, I am developing the bi-polar syndrome. One time I was labeling certain someone that she is bi-polar, because she is very happy at one moment and suddenly so angry. She was somebody that I used to work with, a difficult individual to manage. She spoke her mind and she knew what she wanted and she went for it. Unfortunately, her demands could be pretty ridiculous. And when it gets too much, my passive aggressive thoughts will launch an internal attack of insults that yes, the crazy woman is indeed bi-polar. She in my ‘normal’ eyes was a ‘little’ mad. While I am really a nutcase in my head, I don’t equate reality to my thoughts so much that I am to me was ultimately more superior. 

See, I can never get out of such things without retribution. I believe Allah always has His ways with me. My karma always comes back quickly. See where I am now, the next candidate for treatment at Hospital Bahagia. 

My thoughts so addled, one day I forgot to screw the fuel cap back in place and drove off. Only realizing the mistake when I took a turn and heard the clunking noise of something falling off. This was at 1.00 in the morning, bless the traffic was hardly there and deathberry was with me or I would be sitting by the roadside having a nervous breakdown of the thought of having an job appointment early the following morning while having a capless fuel tank. Moments like that would make me so introspective of my stupidity. So little is needed to cause a catastrophe. 

There are also lapses of thoughts. Little void of ‘whatever happened that time?’ Another night my phone vanished in the car because I was busy thinking that perhaps I have been laughed at by a group of adults with juvenile brains or perhaps it was me being paranoid which is even more pathetic because it was hardly a big deal to begin with but I thought about it too hard that I couldn’t remember where I stashed the phone. 

I am a walking disaster waiting to happen. 

My ex-boss who I learned is very concern for my decision suggested “Why don’t you take an unpaid leave for a couple of months?” We talked. One and half hour worth of probing questions, suggestions and disguised cajoling, I almost ate his words. In the end, I asked him for time as I need to sleep on it first. My resolve wavered. 

But soon enough a wake up call. 

Friday I was supposed to be on leave but suddenly an important person died in India and there was a 100% contingency required on our site. Reminding me, how awesomely brittle your plan can be while working here. Everything about you and your family takes the backseat to the greater plan of the business that feeds your family. F*ck man, I will do my obligations yeah, I’ll get things done but damn you for controlling me to submit to the fact that I am so tied up to your importance. 

Now, while the exhaustion was hardly assuaged, another wave of mess is coming soon. Too soon. Like I said to deathberry, instead of having a confident swagger of a battle hardened warrior returning to the front line, I am like an ex-convict thrown back to jail for another bout of rape and unwilling sodomy. “No more!”

Call me a yellow bellied pussy. I admit yes, I am a coward with my tail between my legs. I salute those who managed to go through this for another campaign. For me regardless of the extra benefits, works well under pressure does not mean works well under continuous pressure. Why would I go through a longer journey when the destination will still be the same? 

While money is a concern in my endless list of worries, it’s also about my presence in the life of people that matters to me. My mom needs to go for a scan on 15th. A serious concern on her kidneys again. Last time the result came out good. I hope the same this time but should we are not blessed for another favourable result I need to be there for her. Let it be an excuse to the lot of you, but that is a reason enough for me. 

Resigned to fate

I kept thinking about it. But finally, I've done it. The craziest stunt I have ever pulled in my entire life. 

I tendered my resignation last Friday. 

I didn't update about it earlier because my boss asked me to think about it again during the weekend. 

2 years versus 2 days, I let myself think about it between looking at Jobstreet, emailing friends, chatting, twittering, watching Japanese Dorama and getting scolding from my mother for spending the whole day in the room like a nutcase that I am. 

So come Monday, I reported in and went through my day as always. Work that I have grown to despise so much inside. Silently calculating 2 months from 21st of August 2009. Which will be  the longest stretch of 2 months of my life. 

Then at 9.00pm, my boss finally messaged me. "So, you are really going to leave me, aren't you?"

Nani kore? I am watching too many Japanese serials now I am getting weird message from my boss too. 

"Leaving XXXX, we are still friends as long as you want to stay as my friend," I responded. I always leave the ball on the other side of the court for stuff like friendship. 

"I am crying inside that you are leaving."

Sonna... what am I suppose to say? "Would you rather keep a friend who is in pain by your side?" 

My boss has always been my boss from the beginning. When I joined in, I reported to him. He was there through the six months of hell. I cried to him in my frustration during the difficult  period of the migration. But once BAU, he had to leave for a different team within the same department. I myself changed through three different bosses but somehow, I settled back to him about a year after I was promoted, by that time he was promoted as well. For the span of 4 years plus, it is almost like I have always been reporting to him. From his view, as we are both Scorpios, we have so many things in common. My actions he would always understand because he would do the same thing, except this one. Me resigning, it was a huge body slam to him but I never meant to give him such grief, my anger and pain never came from him. I guess, he is there as a collateral damage. 

"You have to tell me how to do this, I don't know which form to use." He needed to process my resignation but since he was promoted 2 years ago, he hasn't had an external attrition that warrant him to process it, while I have gone through too many thanks to my thankless process. 

"Let's see. You need to complete the notification of resignation form, my leave card, the resignation letter, you need to sign, name and date it on the date you accepted it, and also terminate me on the Peoplesoft, 2 months from the date of the letter." I deftly told him the steps. It did not escape me how morbid it is as I walk-through the process on how to terminate myself. I wonder how many people go through this bizarre moment in their life when they resign.

"Want me to process it?" I offered. 

"No, I'll do it. So that the thought of you leaving will finally settle down in my head." he refused. "How do I terminate on Peoplesoft?" 

I explained "From 21st of August, plus 2 months. My last physical date will be 20th October, so termination date should be 21st October."

"What happen if you do it wrong?" 

"They will tell you the correct way then you have to do it again." 

"Do I need to do this tonight?" Funny that a reverse role happened on my termination on the system. 

"Yes, or 3 working days from the date you received the letter. Either way." 

":("

Thus, the conversation between me and my boss, spanning the messaging system then later on in person before reverting back on the messaging system.

Either he is playing around so I feel guilty and decided to retract my resignation, or he is genuinely sad...

Deep inside, I am swaying but the thought of doing this for another 2 months strengthened my resolve again.  

I also had a talk with my AVP.

His advice "Don't let your emotion dictate your decision."

So true, but I have gone completely bonkers here. He couldn't even understand the extent of it...

Career path change

Oh yeah, no substantial updating activities in a while. Substantial updating in this blog is an oxymoron, but you know what I mean.

I am pretty depressed at the moment. Wait, actually I have been for a long time and it’s all because of my job. Oh my forking gourd, yes! I hate it THAT much, if I can’t get a different one that pays slightly less I will die a happy cat...

I have told everyone close to me at home and work, heck, I even told my staff and my boss already so that it won’t come as a surprise to them and also an insurance for me that I won’t chicken out again this time to suffer another great year with them.

I’ve done a lot of thinking, two years worth of thinking in fact on my so called areas of developments. Then I came across this article which echoes my thought that if I can do great with a job that I have no interest and in fact hates, imagine what I can do on a job that I love…

“The "fix your weaknesses" school believes that with enough discipline, determination, and training, anyone can do anything. Unfortunately, it confuses weaknesses and limitations. Weaknesses reflect a lack of skill (how to do something) or knowledge (what you know). Weaknesses can be overcome by education, training, experience, and practice. On the other hand, limitations reflect a lack of motivation (what you do well naturally). These really can't be overcome, because new motivations can't be acquired. In fact, if a person has low motivation in a particular area -- spelling, for example -- there is very little likelihood that he or she will ever be a great speller. The best they will be is adequate. Who wants to be adequate?

It's a much better idea to build on your strengths.”

This hits home to me because believe it; my area of development has always been being assertive. I can do assertive, but I don’t like being assertive. I feel like a Nazi when I do and I hate doing anything half boiled and pretentious.

I hate being a symbol of authority whatsoever.

It doesn’t help to have anal staff as well, yeah believe it; anal staff instead of an anal boss is as toxic. I am not anal so it is not helping either. It surprises me what makes them tick, because obviously something as stupid as where you put the attendance file is an issue here. Oh get a gun and shoot me will you, people die in bomb blasts all over the world, would they forking care where the attendance file is placed? I don’t think so; they’d be too busy running to save their life, heck! They don’t even know what an attendance file is! So shut it up and just sign the stupid attendance file!

Not to mention the amount of shit to deal with every year. Enough for now I would say. Save me from this insanity of my so called job and let me do something more wholesome that truly makes me happy, instead of an escapism that is my blog.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching at Livecareer.com and while my mind has always been interested towards certain areas, this test just amplifies it. In my opinion it’s pretty legit and the best part is, it is free. There are 100 questions analyzing your interests, your work styles and even gauging the inconsistency just in case you are a fluff and can’t make up your mind on what you like. While I always take light about myself, turns out I am at that age that I have realized what I really like and want to be when I grow up =P

This is my radar graph



My interest graph

The plus points are



And the minus ones



Perhaps psychologically due to the fact I abhor my current job, Administration and Assertive are up there with the least percentile.

Writing
Enjoys either creative or technical writing. Likely to have broad interests.

Industrial Art
Enjoys making or repairing things using machinery, or by hand.

Teaching/Social Service
Enjoys instructing people in learning new things, helping people solve problems, and assisting others.

Administration
Enjoys organizing the financial or day-to-day operations of a business or institution, supervising the activities of others, planning work schedules, and maintaining records.

Assertive
Prefers working situations in which it is appropriate to assert authority over others, and to direct and monitor their work.

If you want to do a soul searching yourself on what you would love to do in life, try the online test.

Warning: since it is free while being a good career test, it wants a lot of your particulars down to your home address and such. But it is worth a trouble for something as good which is free.

And be prepared to have the time to answer 100 questions, don’t rush it.