Takes me over 29 years to realise, this one sided love for me...

Hi,

For those who don't know me, you should know that I am a fat girl. That is what the name of the blog implies.

I made a revelation today that I have always hated my body. I've just never entertained the thought because I know its unhealthy. But hiding doesn't mean not having the thought at all, no matter how far you push it to the back of your mind, it would always be there. The fact remained that I hated my fat body.

I have always been a chunky kid. I am the biggest baby in the family, grew up chubby albeit when I look back in my old pictures, it was all just baby fat and I have always been a cute child. But I have always been rediculed of being fat by other children my age. Mainly because I am not exactly a standard local size, I am also taller than most and having and over protective mother, I just grew to be a homely child because she would never let me out of the house. Things just gets difficult after awhile when I started going to school, because I just happen to be more chunky than most kids but at the same time the tallest girl. Being homely and tall, turns me literally a giant among my peers. My mother, being a loving woman that she is, would never let me join any serious sport team like hockey back when I was in school. And me, being a people pleaser since I was a child would always listen to my mom and pretty much believe I am as coordinated as a newborn fawn with four legs and not really sure what to do with them.

And that idea goes on throughout my life. I was never into sport. The only ones I would be involved would be body centric for me such as tug o war team and shot put back in school. I was also involved in hand ball. I love how viciously you can throw the ball into the goal, but then because my mom never exactly encourage it, I would always miss practice and the mindset that I can never be good enough, stops me from being exactly good at it.

I was never the cool kid or even remotely attractive because I am the giant back in school. In high school, there was about three or four other girls who are my size, and two who are actually bigger but still at the end of the day, I was still fat and I hate how I look and I have always been shy and awkward, never could get close to any friends, even other girls, basically hiding behind my flabs even though at that age, I was craving for real friendship. The only time I have a close friendship back when I was in form 2 until after PMR in form 3 (thats 14 to 15 year of my age) that I was close with this one awesome girl until she left to a different school, after that I pretty much keep to myself.

In college, I had to move out of the house. It was three upstates away, takes about five hours drive to get there. Away from home and being under tight school schedule things sort of improved. Due to activities and how I need to climb uphills everytime I need to go back to my dorm, I was losing a lot of weight even though I do eat six times a day. It was an exhausting and stressful period however, with all those weight being shed I made more friends, boys and girls and I start to have more confidence, a much solid self esteem. Thing was, I didn't even realised I have actually lost weight while I was in college. I still see a freaking giant when I was there because I was never a standard local size and I was again the tallest girl in my unit.

But when I do get back home, the people back at home noticed. Of course, after a long absence, they would have a fresh mind of what I was and when I got back, I was 'taller'. No, I didnt grew while I was in college. I stopped at 170 cm (5' 7") when I was 17. I just shed those weight and appear narrower than I usually was. Those were really good times for me. Then, college ended and I moved back home because my university is just a stone throw away.

At Uni, I met my bestfriend, the pretty gal that is taller than me. She wasn't svelte but she was plump in that cutish way and very attractive. Haha, dare I admit it, I am her homely ugly friend? How pathetic am I? However, she never looked at me that way, she is the best person ever because she never judge me. For us, we would go out have fun and EAT. Yes, our favourite being anything McDonald. Together, we put on weight. In 3 and a half years I was there, I was getting even more heavier even before I went of to college.

After that life just went through a blur. My dad got really sick, I never bothered about my weight or me for it matters. Still chunky, low self esteem, not even bothered to find a job because it was hard time but most of all, I just feel that nobody wanna hire a fatty. But with the life challenges and difficulties I went through when my dad was really sick, gave me a different kind of strength because to me if I can go through this episode, I would breeze through anything else.

Then eventually after a series of opportunities that came through my way with that mentality of I am stronger I ended up working with this call/processing centre for an international bank.

This is where I grew at my heaviest.

When I joined, I was still pretty much okay with things of course the stress of training and eventually the work itself and the working hours just helped things get worse. Late night dinners, snacking at your seat, sedentary lifestyle, constant stress. I know for a fact that I am fatter since I joined but it never really hit me until I saw my induction photo that they hang at the wall that I was much narrower when I first joined the company.

Everything was helping me gained the whole weight to the point I was at my heaviest at 137.7 kilos, this is recorded on 14 January 2009.. The ugliest fact that I realised what those excess weight did to me was how disgusting my stomach was hanging out.

At that time, I was already a team leader, managing 20 people a day. Trying to meet target, in term of volume and quality at the same time managing staff issues, and also guiding them in their career path. It was a lot of work and due to high volume, extended working hours is a must, never an option. I think I lost myself completely as the time goes. Having toxic subordinates, makes it worse. I just got bigger and uglier because I need to hide myself from them, the negativities that they throw at me. Its just so difficult to please people and me who always subconsciously trying to please feel that I have failed exponentially. I was a total failure, bar none.

Due to my weight, my blood pressure just seems to shot up. I am on medication, one a beta blocker, another for my blood. Two pills in the morning and one at night. I hardly have my period because I also have symptoms of policystic ovary syndrome which is due to the fact I was so fat which at the same time makes me stay fat. It seems that my body is fighting against me.

During these period, of course I dieted. I dieted and tried some exercise on and off. Throughout my entire life, there will always be my diet period where I would lose some weight but gained everything back and even more. Nothing stays on long enough.

Even when I was refereed to the weight management clinic, this is where I was last recorded at 137.7 kilos. Even then, I have some resolve to lose it but I don't think I understand the degree of it other than I just wanna lose weight.

With my mom's help, she does the cooking I ate healthier food. I do have to eat, even when I go back after work I would still eat. Just the choice of food makes the difference and also the portion. Instead of a plate of rice with all the dishes, I was on tuna sandwich with wholemeal bread before I go to sleep.

And yet, I have cravings. Reading back my diet journal, I realised I was still obsessed with food. Its so funny, I feel guilty all the time, yes I shed some weight but I was so damn bothered even the thought of thinking of eating food that is not healthy is making me guilty which makes me think about it more.

In one month, I lost six kilos. This is with healthy eating program and the weekends stair climbing and weekdays of trekking from my parking to office. The fact that I was so heavy, makes my body work harder on its own.

But, even that said, things just got stressful again at work. The diet and the clinic visit was thrown out of the window.

I never went back to that heaviest weight, but at the same time, I seriously feel that my job is putting a great toll on my health that I decided enough of this thing that I call a job and I resigned without even waiting for that lucrative year end bonus because I just decided at that time if I don't quit now, I would put my life in danger. Even at this most difficult moment of my life, I never regretted that decision.

While lazying my time away for the last few months, something happened that clicked me oh shit I need to lose weight. A friend I made from Chicago will be flying down to Singapore early June. She will be stopping over in KL. She always say I am a hot chick because my awesome angle photos always hide the true fact of what I really am. My friend, I am still morbidly obese. This was back in end of March that she told me this.

I was mentally calculating I have 2 months to lose as much as possible without dying. At the time, I was at 125 kilos. I took out my dusty diet journal and flip back. From January last year until back in march I lost 12 kilograms. I am still morbidly obese with my BMI being 44, way above the 40 point of morbid obesity.

Flipping through the pages and rereading my previous jottings of my anguish to the fact that how fat I have been. I decided to take it up again. I am turning 30 next November. So, I decided and plan if I lose five kilos each month by November I would be 85 kilos, pretty much the weight that I was back in college and by end of the year I would be 80 kilos. I was again pretty much serious about losing weight. I was going for evening walks again on and off but admittedly, its quite difficult to keep up because the park that I go to is 15 minutes drive away and sometimes it rains and sometimes I just dont have the money for fuel to drive me there... You would ask why don't you walk at home? Well, I just hate the fact that some of my neighbours would make fun of me, which they will because they really think they are funny. The streets are always too busy as well and the bikes here are ridden with a vigour of amateur stuntpeople.

While doing all this, diet thing I still fought a lot with my hunger pangs and cravings. Lifelong battle of a dieter. I wasn't happy by the fact that even after watching what I eat and going for my walks, I was stagnant at 122 kilos for a few weeks. I failed to reach my target of 120 kilos by end of April 2010.

Still determined, I still go on with what I have been doing. I am still setting my target of 115 kilos by end of May.

But I was worried that I am not losing weight I lost a kilo then gained it back so 122 is pretty much the evil number that wouldn't budge. Then something happened one day, while net surfing about as I usually do I stumbled upon The Gabriel Method, I read about this guy that weighs 186 kilos once upon a time and lost 103 kilos with no sign of being overweight without going under the knife. That was pretty amazing to me because one fear about losing weight is excess skin, which you can't fix unless you surgically remove it. After reading and watching the videos, it left an impression in me of the idea of losing weight without actually going on a diet.

A few days after that, my sister put in some money in my account, it supposed to last for the month. She is the one that has sacrifices a lot since I left my job and I am eternally grateful. I hope she would know how much she has helped me and know how much indebted I am to her. Out of what she has given me, RM 140 out of that money I have used to pay for the book and the other audio materials that was a complete eye opener not just about losing weight but also how you perceive the idea of having a healthier lifestyle. While the book takes about two weeks to reach me, the audio book is readily downloadable once the payment was made. And for the past 2 weeks, this is what I have been listening and learning all the information I need to understand the method.

I don't say that I am 180 degrees changed person. I still love lazying about because I am just a super bum. But with the right mind and the right food, you just dont obsess about food as much and while I still struggle to wake up at 6 in the morning, I still get up to send my niece to school then proceed to my early morning walk that has lately includes a lot of running as well and instead of driving for grocery, I just walked. That saves fuel too.

And since then I have lost 4.9 kilos. That is in the period of two weeks.

What excites me to write this entry is, one is to celebrate of going over the 20 kilos mark since I was at 137.7 kilos, and that now I am at 116.8 kilos. Yes, it took me more than a year to go this far and I still have a long way to go but I am glad I reached this milestone.

Two, is because after getting the book which I received in the post yesterday, I have read the parts that are not included in the audio book. They are the personal accounts of the success stories. One of the story gave me an 'ahha!' moment.

All these while that I have been hating my body and struggling against it, it has done nothing but been protecting and loving me. I am floored by the fact that yes, I have been very cruel to my body but despite it all, it keeps on protecting me from harm in its own way. I have been eating junks, feeding it with things that it doesn't know what to do with it and even harmful things. I have been a very selfish person. My body had loved me unconditionally all these while and it took me over 29 years to finally realise that.

My ideal weight for my height is 60 kilos. That is another 58.6 kilos to shed. But, even that said, I am not worried anymore. With the thought of love for my body its a journey that I am willing to take no matter how long it will be.

And yes, I am glad I didn't get the job that I was so hoping to get until a few minutes ago. My body just said a BIG NO to it because yes, it needs that good 8 hours of night sleep.