Weigh In Saturday!!

Its that day again and I am at 109.00 kg on the dot.

Yesterday went for a movie Inception after work. It was ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY BRILLIANT!

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

Plateu Break!

Hitting it at 113.4kg today. Not much but at least I'm breaking the 115kg mark finally.

So happy! All the little things to celebrate about to keep me motivated!

I am targeting 105kg by end of August. The main plan was hitting 90kg by my 30th birthday. Maybe I won't be able to but not gonna give up just yet. Whatever the weight it will be by that time, I know I've come a long way.

New Layout

And I love it! I love the background. I love green field against blue sky. It's great that blogger came up with the layout design tool which makes changing the layout so much easier.

In my younger days, I was big on designing my own layout. Usually the whole design will focus on an anime or game character, sometimes on a stalk of flower with a white backdrop. I am much of a minimalist. Then I went computerless for a well five years of my life. I work with one but I don't have one for personal use. The interest and sadly some of the skill is lost. So I am happy that the tool have helped me turn the 'mud' flavour into this new layout :3

I also added my weight tracker and my before and current photo. Mind, I am on a journey still and it's a long way to go. While I am far from thin, I guess my before photo really put things in perspective on my weight loss journey.

I have since lost the kilos gained back in June. So I am focusing on shedding more weight now.

Looking at 130 kg photo, that was taken back on 09/09/2009. I lost 15 kilos since then. I would like to set a target for 09/09/2010, I would like to be 105kg by then. I have 2 months to lose that 10 kilos. I must be focus to achieve it this time.

I think I have been slacking enough. High time to be focus again!

Soondubu jjigae

I made soondubu jjigae yesterday. Was pretty good attempt but I had no kelp.

7.9 km / 5.9 miles track

I deleted IMVU from my computer and considering deleting my MSN too if I can. I need to sort out my objective again because I am getting a little vague about why I am trying to lose weight.

I walked 7.9 kilometres today. This is the track, yellow pin is home, then heading west, proceeding southward, detouring to the west again and then northwest. Retraced my step back and then heading east, at UPM, taking the overhead bridge and then walking back northbound, through Veterinary Faculty and then back towards home. Took me 1 hour 45 minutes. I just walked, not powerwalking, just briskly walking. Walking wasn't tiring. Just that one hour into the walk the sun was rising up high and it starts to get warm but I pushed through and got home feeling rather accomplished.


Hope I can do this again tomorrow.

Might go to Floria Putrajaya later if mom not too tired and the day not too hot. We'll see.

Starting again

The month of June I have basically let go of all my diet plan. I didn't lose any weight, in fact I gained 2 kilos in June.

Despite that, I'm not too worried. In my head, I am pretty focused. My personal target will always be getting to that certain weight by end of the year. Pretty flexible and my plan to get to my ideal weight extended to September 2011. Can't lose everything suddenly. Took forever to gain, would take equally long time to lose too.

This morning I thought I'd go for a walk again. But it was drizzling. At the same time its the kinda morning you wanna be lazy to. I know I have to start again somehow. The weather hadn't been on my side lately. If it doesn't rain, the sun would be stingingly hot even at 7.00pm.

Well, anyway I have a birthday party to go to. Its a huge do because its five people's birthday thing done in one party.. oldest being in mid 50's, youngest 2 years old. I have no money for gift haha. My 1st month pay, I spend on work clothes and catching up on the bills and of course groceries. What I have left are for my fuel and other expenditures minus stuff like gifts and such. I really don't know what to get seriously. I'm tempted to gift one of my sister's shoes away... JK!

I'll write more later.

Blood pressure has improved :D

I went for my physical check yesterday. The good thing about it is my blood pressure is at 120/82, that's like doing pretty good in my book, because my readings could be like 190/85 easy before. My last work related health check classified me as having hypertension, but this one didn't. The doctor just gave an advice to take good care of myself since I have family history of being diabetic and having hypertension.

So, that's another benefit of taking better care of your health.

I missed jogging on Sunday because we have to go to the market. Got lots of vegetables and the fridge is stocked since a long while. I feel so damn secure... The wonder of having a stocked fridge would do to the mind. Did go for a bit of walk in the afternoon, carrying my nephew on my shoulders, so yeah that's some workout actually but I didn't really count that because I ate a nice rice porridge after that, made by my sis-in-law but that was nice anyway, since haven't seen them for 2 weeks already (record time, lol)

Missed the morning jog on Monday because I have that health check, so I went in the afternoon. Ran further than I have ever been at the park. Maybe I could actually do a full circle eventually.

And then, I went for a jog this morning. Takes shorter time to complete the track again. And ugh! I was so lazy too today I don't know why..

I'm thinking of making a brothy greens with potato and egg for lunch today. And maybe go jogging at the park later. I am a little worried because when I start on 31st May, my shift will be from 8.30am to 5.30pm daily, so I won't have time for my usual jogs and walks except for weekend for six weeks... So, probably I'm gonna really use that kickboxing CD...

Oh yeah, my new colleague, a girl that will be joining with me at the new place, OMFG she is awesome! She is my height but built like a model and she already got 2 kids. She can look glamorous but she do jungle trekking! She asked me if I would like to join and I'm like whoah really? Hell yeah! My sister knows I hate jungle trekking but that would be something good to do since I am more outdoorsy now. I'd like to challenge myself. She suggest doing lots of lunges exercises because that's what would really help you when jungle trekking and its a great exercise for sexier legs. I did lunges before and I know it burns the thighs. I'm a little scared but then I guess if I can be from couch potato to jogging every morning kinda person, I can start doing lunges too. She is awesome friendly and she said I am energetic and she likes that. I think being around her can definitely help me shed a few more kilos towards my goal.

Saturday weigh in :D

I am weighing in at 116.6 kg. Its plateauing. Haha LIES! I actually gained 2 kilos then losing again because I ate a tad more than I did last week. I noticed I was pretty hungry last week that I gorged on food. Bad sign. I was depriving myself, that means my metabolism could be lower than it should so I thought I have to really take it easy.

I still walk/jog every morning. The same track that took me 45 minutes to complete last week, now takes 30 minutes so I have to add the distance so that it will take me 60 minutes in total. So I add the track yesterday and took me 60 minutes but today I'm already shaving off to 55 minutes. And I even started jogging uphill. Hurts my butt but I feel great that I could push my self to go that far. Three weeks ago, ask me to do this, I would drop to the ground and cry and scream and pull tantrum.

Body wise, some pants and shirts loosening. All my pants are a little loose on the tummy. To think one point there were tight. Like hella tight. Even this one pants I bought that could hardly contained my super thunder thighs are just right now. But of course size 20.. far cry from my size 12 target but I seriously don't mind because I am seeing progress. I was at size 22 at my heaviest.

I eat lots of vegetables, tempe, egg, fish, banana, I still take rice. Depends on the day but usually its a cup or lesser. I'm not ready to swear it off just yet. Maybe I'll try alternating days, one day with white rice, one day without.. that will be the plan.

My bloated calves aren't so bloated anymore. To think these two pins are the one that been carrying this heavy frame running, I have great respect for my legs. When they start moving, its less sore because I do have that sore joints bane. Things that makes you don't wanna move...

So yeah, no reduction in weight this week, in fact there's a slight increase but I am still focused on my target by end of this month. If I reached it, I would've lost 7 kilos this month alone.

I'm going to buy grocery now and then maybe a walk. Hopefully THE WALK will happen.

Sailing through another day

Next weight update is Saturday.

For now I have successfully climbed up and ran down hill again today. Something as silly as my ponytail bouncing from side to side as I ran seems to propel me forward. Nothing more that says youth in bouncing pony tail through vigorous running.

Just consistently walking and running for seven days a week I can feel my stamina getting better. I can run farther and it is not as taxing as it was say on Monday itself... and my legs look less bloated and I think those hill climbing are doing things to my ass which is great by my book.

Had a drink with a close friend of mine yesterday and she noticed my face is smaller. That and also this dude been staring at me, (I'm positive coz my my friend was sitting at another angle) actually came over and asked if he could joined (coldly dismissed by both of us) so yeah. Pretty good feeling :P

Oh um I'm eating bananas. They are awesome good!

Ugh Run Wani Run!

Progressively losing 500 gm (1.1 lb) a day. I am glad. I feel better, I look better, the clothes has a bit more space than before and my hair isn't falling off as bad as it used to. Today, I am weighing in at 116.3kg (256.4 lb). The target of 115 kg by the end of May doesn't sound impossible at all right. Haha looks crazy heavy in lb, but to be honest, to get down to my target of 60 kg (132 lb) that would take about four months at this rate I'm going.. but honestly, I am not delusional. If it happens in four months, that would be great, if it takes double, triple the time, that would be great too. It takes time to gain this weight, don't expect it would magically comes off in a blink of an eye. But yeah, I am excited to think that the last time I was at 60kg was probably when I was 12.

However, I do think I need to stash the scale somewhere. I kept jumping on it checking everyday. Always after my morning shower after the walk. It's not highly recommended because should you hit another plateau, you may get discouraged.. Jon Gabriel advised to check every six months instead but damn scale is so readily accessible I just HAVE to find out! Perhaps I will start checking every week instead of everyday.

Since yesterday, instead of plain walking, I have included some running in my walks. I never like running because its merciless to my ankles and surprisingly, my hips. It hurts like turd if I run. What can I say I weigh like a baby whale and the poor joints which are designed for a leaner frame is really taking a toll on each impact (I think its like a tonne or something based on a certain calculation) And when I hurt, I would still go for walks but then it gets unbearably painful that I have to quit altogether.

But after going through the same thing for a few days I got -gasps- bored of the routine. Ugh, I am seriously easily bored! So I start jogging gently, careful not to hurt myself. Yeah I cheated that I jog downhill and on even surface and walk uphill but hey, better than nothing at all right?

I also played mind-games that from this lamp post to the next two posts, I must run, then the next two posts walk then the next run and so on and at certain point I imagined of being chased by my sister. I don't want to imagine something dangerous because that place can get deserted at times, and I totally believe the law of attraction so better my sister running after me than anything else.

Its super tiring, my legs were crying for mercy not of the joint pains, but the lazy muscles that has been left unexcited for decades. So were my arms ugh they burned and spasmed slightly. Yes, I am so not fit but I have to say, I am better than I was a month ago because there's hardly any joint pains. I guess, my body FAT switch is off and it's helping me to keep up with my routine and not be discouraged by random aches and pains.

To be honest I would start approaching the walk with slight dread. I was never physical. I do get worried if I get too tired or got hurt or something but I insist that I gotta do this and if I keep it up for 21 days, after that it will be ingrained and I get used to it. My mom has been great. Its Saturday but she woke me up as if it is weekdays. And even though I don't have to send my niece to school, I still have to go for my jog and yeah again I woke up groggy but nothing a cold water to the face can't fix.

After the run I would be so dead tired that I could hardly take that shower. But what makes it amazing, is after the shower and 20 minutes lie down with The Book, I feel GREAT! Seriously. I look forward to tomorrow's run as I have looked forward to today's run yesterday. And to think, I hated running so much before.

I feel great and my mind isn't so boxed up. At this point, I feel euphoric that anything is possible. Maybe one day bungee jumping who knows. I always wanna challenge my extreme fear of height.

Before that, I would want to buy me a mountain bike so I can cycle around, that would be uber fun! I love riding bike!

p/s : I made Nestum yesterday. Its one of those denatured food, and its wheat, double wham.. at first I felt like I want it but I just took one spoon in my mouth but I couldn't stomach it, I threw it away. Wow, I loved that stuff before. Now, I couldn't even force myself to eat it... mind power much?

Takes me over 29 years to realise, this one sided love for me...

Hi,

For those who don't know me, you should know that I am a fat girl. That is what the name of the blog implies.

I made a revelation today that I have always hated my body. I've just never entertained the thought because I know its unhealthy. But hiding doesn't mean not having the thought at all, no matter how far you push it to the back of your mind, it would always be there. The fact remained that I hated my fat body.

I have always been a chunky kid. I am the biggest baby in the family, grew up chubby albeit when I look back in my old pictures, it was all just baby fat and I have always been a cute child. But I have always been rediculed of being fat by other children my age. Mainly because I am not exactly a standard local size, I am also taller than most and having and over protective mother, I just grew to be a homely child because she would never let me out of the house. Things just gets difficult after awhile when I started going to school, because I just happen to be more chunky than most kids but at the same time the tallest girl. Being homely and tall, turns me literally a giant among my peers. My mother, being a loving woman that she is, would never let me join any serious sport team like hockey back when I was in school. And me, being a people pleaser since I was a child would always listen to my mom and pretty much believe I am as coordinated as a newborn fawn with four legs and not really sure what to do with them.

And that idea goes on throughout my life. I was never into sport. The only ones I would be involved would be body centric for me such as tug o war team and shot put back in school. I was also involved in hand ball. I love how viciously you can throw the ball into the goal, but then because my mom never exactly encourage it, I would always miss practice and the mindset that I can never be good enough, stops me from being exactly good at it.

I was never the cool kid or even remotely attractive because I am the giant back in school. In high school, there was about three or four other girls who are my size, and two who are actually bigger but still at the end of the day, I was still fat and I hate how I look and I have always been shy and awkward, never could get close to any friends, even other girls, basically hiding behind my flabs even though at that age, I was craving for real friendship. The only time I have a close friendship back when I was in form 2 until after PMR in form 3 (thats 14 to 15 year of my age) that I was close with this one awesome girl until she left to a different school, after that I pretty much keep to myself.

In college, I had to move out of the house. It was three upstates away, takes about five hours drive to get there. Away from home and being under tight school schedule things sort of improved. Due to activities and how I need to climb uphills everytime I need to go back to my dorm, I was losing a lot of weight even though I do eat six times a day. It was an exhausting and stressful period however, with all those weight being shed I made more friends, boys and girls and I start to have more confidence, a much solid self esteem. Thing was, I didn't even realised I have actually lost weight while I was in college. I still see a freaking giant when I was there because I was never a standard local size and I was again the tallest girl in my unit.

But when I do get back home, the people back at home noticed. Of course, after a long absence, they would have a fresh mind of what I was and when I got back, I was 'taller'. No, I didnt grew while I was in college. I stopped at 170 cm (5' 7") when I was 17. I just shed those weight and appear narrower than I usually was. Those were really good times for me. Then, college ended and I moved back home because my university is just a stone throw away.

At Uni, I met my bestfriend, the pretty gal that is taller than me. She wasn't svelte but she was plump in that cutish way and very attractive. Haha, dare I admit it, I am her homely ugly friend? How pathetic am I? However, she never looked at me that way, she is the best person ever because she never judge me. For us, we would go out have fun and EAT. Yes, our favourite being anything McDonald. Together, we put on weight. In 3 and a half years I was there, I was getting even more heavier even before I went of to college.

After that life just went through a blur. My dad got really sick, I never bothered about my weight or me for it matters. Still chunky, low self esteem, not even bothered to find a job because it was hard time but most of all, I just feel that nobody wanna hire a fatty. But with the life challenges and difficulties I went through when my dad was really sick, gave me a different kind of strength because to me if I can go through this episode, I would breeze through anything else.

Then eventually after a series of opportunities that came through my way with that mentality of I am stronger I ended up working with this call/processing centre for an international bank.

This is where I grew at my heaviest.

When I joined, I was still pretty much okay with things of course the stress of training and eventually the work itself and the working hours just helped things get worse. Late night dinners, snacking at your seat, sedentary lifestyle, constant stress. I know for a fact that I am fatter since I joined but it never really hit me until I saw my induction photo that they hang at the wall that I was much narrower when I first joined the company.

Everything was helping me gained the whole weight to the point I was at my heaviest at 137.7 kilos, this is recorded on 14 January 2009.. The ugliest fact that I realised what those excess weight did to me was how disgusting my stomach was hanging out.

At that time, I was already a team leader, managing 20 people a day. Trying to meet target, in term of volume and quality at the same time managing staff issues, and also guiding them in their career path. It was a lot of work and due to high volume, extended working hours is a must, never an option. I think I lost myself completely as the time goes. Having toxic subordinates, makes it worse. I just got bigger and uglier because I need to hide myself from them, the negativities that they throw at me. Its just so difficult to please people and me who always subconsciously trying to please feel that I have failed exponentially. I was a total failure, bar none.

Due to my weight, my blood pressure just seems to shot up. I am on medication, one a beta blocker, another for my blood. Two pills in the morning and one at night. I hardly have my period because I also have symptoms of policystic ovary syndrome which is due to the fact I was so fat which at the same time makes me stay fat. It seems that my body is fighting against me.

During these period, of course I dieted. I dieted and tried some exercise on and off. Throughout my entire life, there will always be my diet period where I would lose some weight but gained everything back and even more. Nothing stays on long enough.

Even when I was refereed to the weight management clinic, this is where I was last recorded at 137.7 kilos. Even then, I have some resolve to lose it but I don't think I understand the degree of it other than I just wanna lose weight.

With my mom's help, she does the cooking I ate healthier food. I do have to eat, even when I go back after work I would still eat. Just the choice of food makes the difference and also the portion. Instead of a plate of rice with all the dishes, I was on tuna sandwich with wholemeal bread before I go to sleep.

And yet, I have cravings. Reading back my diet journal, I realised I was still obsessed with food. Its so funny, I feel guilty all the time, yes I shed some weight but I was so damn bothered even the thought of thinking of eating food that is not healthy is making me guilty which makes me think about it more.

In one month, I lost six kilos. This is with healthy eating program and the weekends stair climbing and weekdays of trekking from my parking to office. The fact that I was so heavy, makes my body work harder on its own.

But, even that said, things just got stressful again at work. The diet and the clinic visit was thrown out of the window.

I never went back to that heaviest weight, but at the same time, I seriously feel that my job is putting a great toll on my health that I decided enough of this thing that I call a job and I resigned without even waiting for that lucrative year end bonus because I just decided at that time if I don't quit now, I would put my life in danger. Even at this most difficult moment of my life, I never regretted that decision.

While lazying my time away for the last few months, something happened that clicked me oh shit I need to lose weight. A friend I made from Chicago will be flying down to Singapore early June. She will be stopping over in KL. She always say I am a hot chick because my awesome angle photos always hide the true fact of what I really am. My friend, I am still morbidly obese. This was back in end of March that she told me this.

I was mentally calculating I have 2 months to lose as much as possible without dying. At the time, I was at 125 kilos. I took out my dusty diet journal and flip back. From January last year until back in march I lost 12 kilograms. I am still morbidly obese with my BMI being 44, way above the 40 point of morbid obesity.

Flipping through the pages and rereading my previous jottings of my anguish to the fact that how fat I have been. I decided to take it up again. I am turning 30 next November. So, I decided and plan if I lose five kilos each month by November I would be 85 kilos, pretty much the weight that I was back in college and by end of the year I would be 80 kilos. I was again pretty much serious about losing weight. I was going for evening walks again on and off but admittedly, its quite difficult to keep up because the park that I go to is 15 minutes drive away and sometimes it rains and sometimes I just dont have the money for fuel to drive me there... You would ask why don't you walk at home? Well, I just hate the fact that some of my neighbours would make fun of me, which they will because they really think they are funny. The streets are always too busy as well and the bikes here are ridden with a vigour of amateur stuntpeople.

While doing all this, diet thing I still fought a lot with my hunger pangs and cravings. Lifelong battle of a dieter. I wasn't happy by the fact that even after watching what I eat and going for my walks, I was stagnant at 122 kilos for a few weeks. I failed to reach my target of 120 kilos by end of April 2010.

Still determined, I still go on with what I have been doing. I am still setting my target of 115 kilos by end of May.

But I was worried that I am not losing weight I lost a kilo then gained it back so 122 is pretty much the evil number that wouldn't budge. Then something happened one day, while net surfing about as I usually do I stumbled upon The Gabriel Method, I read about this guy that weighs 186 kilos once upon a time and lost 103 kilos with no sign of being overweight without going under the knife. That was pretty amazing to me because one fear about losing weight is excess skin, which you can't fix unless you surgically remove it. After reading and watching the videos, it left an impression in me of the idea of losing weight without actually going on a diet.

A few days after that, my sister put in some money in my account, it supposed to last for the month. She is the one that has sacrifices a lot since I left my job and I am eternally grateful. I hope she would know how much she has helped me and know how much indebted I am to her. Out of what she has given me, RM 140 out of that money I have used to pay for the book and the other audio materials that was a complete eye opener not just about losing weight but also how you perceive the idea of having a healthier lifestyle. While the book takes about two weeks to reach me, the audio book is readily downloadable once the payment was made. And for the past 2 weeks, this is what I have been listening and learning all the information I need to understand the method.

I don't say that I am 180 degrees changed person. I still love lazying about because I am just a super bum. But with the right mind and the right food, you just dont obsess about food as much and while I still struggle to wake up at 6 in the morning, I still get up to send my niece to school then proceed to my early morning walk that has lately includes a lot of running as well and instead of driving for grocery, I just walked. That saves fuel too.

And since then I have lost 4.9 kilos. That is in the period of two weeks.

What excites me to write this entry is, one is to celebrate of going over the 20 kilos mark since I was at 137.7 kilos, and that now I am at 116.8 kilos. Yes, it took me more than a year to go this far and I still have a long way to go but I am glad I reached this milestone.

Two, is because after getting the book which I received in the post yesterday, I have read the parts that are not included in the audio book. They are the personal accounts of the success stories. One of the story gave me an 'ahha!' moment.

All these while that I have been hating my body and struggling against it, it has done nothing but been protecting and loving me. I am floored by the fact that yes, I have been very cruel to my body but despite it all, it keeps on protecting me from harm in its own way. I have been eating junks, feeding it with things that it doesn't know what to do with it and even harmful things. I have been a very selfish person. My body had loved me unconditionally all these while and it took me over 29 years to finally realise that.

My ideal weight for my height is 60 kilos. That is another 58.6 kilos to shed. But, even that said, I am not worried anymore. With the thought of love for my body its a journey that I am willing to take no matter how long it will be.

And yes, I am glad I didn't get the job that I was so hoping to get until a few minutes ago. My body just said a BIG NO to it because yes, it needs that good 8 hours of night sleep.